A profoundly relatable moment unfolded in my home the other day. The phone rang, and my wife’s tense voice immediately caught my attention. On the line was our third (and youngest) daughter, wrestling with that all-too-familiar demon — regret. She was mulling over a job decision that hadn’t quite turned out as she’d hoped.
As you know, hindsight has this sneaky way of being perfectly clear, making us ponder over all the things we “should” have done differently. That was the maze she found herself lost in. So, I threw her a lifeline, a simple question: “Considering the knowledge and feelings you had then, instead of thinking about what you ‘should’ have done, what ‘could’ you have done?”
She took a moment, processed the thought, and applied this ‘could’ mindset. The result? She felt an immediate relief, realizing that, given the circumstances and information she had back then, she truly couldn’t have chosen differently. That understanding provided her with a sense of closure and a lesson in self-compassion.
So how does this simple change from “should have” to “could have” make such a big difference? People much smarter than me decided to find out.
A study done at Harvard had participants face a slew of moral dilemmas. One group was guided by the query, “What should I do?” while the other shifted gears, pondering, “What could I do?” Interestingly, this seemingly subtle shift in perspective yielded profound differences. The “could” group’s solutions were not just more diverse and imaginative, but their approach to problem-solving also displayed a higher degree of cognitive flexibility. They also enjoyed the process more, showcasing a resilience and adaptability that their counterparts lacked. It’s akin to being faced with erasing a pencil mark and, rather than becoming fixated on finding a traditional eraser, thinking innovatively, like, “I could use that rubber band!”
The power of “could” lies in its inherent openness and possibility. Unlike “should,” which often carries the weight of obligation and external expectations, “could” speaks to personal choice, potential, and alternative pathways. It frees the mind from the constraining shackles of regret and self-judgment, allowing for a more explorative and forgiving introspection. When faced with decisions or reflecting on past actions, framing thoughts around what one “could” have done introduces a broader spectrum of options and gently nudges the psyche towards creative problem-solving. In essence, “could” fosters a mindset of growth, adaptability, and understanding, rather than one bound by rigidity and self-critique.
So, how can we use this newfound knowledge? Here’s a few possibilities:
1. Empowerment: “Could” opens doors to possibilities and choices. It’s proactive, not constrictive.
2. Boost in Creativity: Pondering “could” gives you the green light to brainstorm without boundaries.
3. Reduced Self-Blame: Reviewing past decisions with a “could” lens fosters learning over lamenting.
4. Widened Perspective: Asking “What could I do?” challenges and expands our cognitive boundaries.
As we round off this Mind Lab edition, I’d love for you to embrace this shift from “should” to “could” in your daily life. Whether it’s a decision looming ahead or introspection over a past one, try this simple mental shift. My daughter’s experience is a testament to its power.